Life changes

I haven't blogged in forever. I actually considered giving it up. I don't have a lot of time to be on the computer with Kara running around and with the new baby on the way. For those of you that don't know, it's a BOY!!! I am super thrilled, but a little scared about his arrival. His name will be Caden. I had an ultrasound yesterday that was perfect! It was a big relief. He is due April 19th.

Now with the bad news....I have been in a life rut lately and don't see myself getting out of it too soon. I don't really want to go into detail about my situation, but I will say that the things that have been going on lately have been life changing. I have had to dig within myself to find out what it is that makes me happy and what I want out of life. I am still not there yet. I don't know all the answers. I do know that my children are the highlight of my life. I will do anything and everything to keep them happy and let them know how much they are loved. I pray they never have to endure the kind of pain and heartache that I have in my life. I guess that is every parent's hope. I am so thankful for them.

I feel very alone in this world. More alone than I ever have and it's very scary. I do have a good support system of family and friends, but no one that truly understands me or my situation. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way that people aren't always going to be there for you. Sometimes you think someone is your friend or that someone will love you forever despite your flaws. Untrue. Life is all about chances. We aren't guaranteed anything. I just wish I had been a little more knowing rather than in the dark. I'll know better in the future, right? Or will I just fall back into my old mistakes? It's hard to know. I do know that you can't make someone feel for you. I thought back on my life and realized that anyone that I ever loved still holds a place in my heart. I still love each and every one of those people. So how does love fade for some? It never has for me. I've never left anyone out in the cold, at least I hope not. Some of my friendships went on the back burner, but I have tried to keep in contact with all the ones that I truly cared about. Sure some people fade out of our lives over time, but we don't ever forget them or stop feeling for them. So where to go from here? I am still trying to figure that out.

I have been looking into what I want for my future. I am very interested in becoming an ultrasound tech. I've been interested in it since I was pregnant with Conner. Ultrasounds have always intrigued me. I have found a school in the local area that is a one year program. I am really excited at the idea of it, but I am not sure I will have the money or time to attend. It's quite pricey and the classes are Monday thru Friday from 8am to 4pm. Kind of hard for a mother of two small children. I have also heard there is a two year program at a local community college. It may be more my speed since I will have to work, attend school, and be a mother. The thought of having to be away from my babies is almost unbearable for me, but I need to be able to provide for them. Therefore I may have to sacrifice some time with them. With the economy down and no guarantee of a paycheck, it is super scary to me. Not knowing what the future holds is frightening, but I am trying to stay optimistic. We are now back in the states and life has changed a lot since I was here last. Things are more expensive, that's something I noticed right away. My biggest decision as of now is to decide where to live. As of now we are staying with my mom, but plan on finding a place of our own before Caden is born. I only have 13 weeks until I am due...time is running out. I am hoping that I will be enlightened in some way and will get some answers. Who knew deciding on a place to live could be so hard? I hope that all of you out there are having a great New Year. I pray that 2010 brings clarity, love, and happiness to us all.