Our Vacation

She loves sparkles!
Kara and her Aunt Desiree


Kaleb doing his Zoolander face! LOL

Daddy's baby girl, always!

4 generations, their expressions are so funny!

My adopted family: April, Caitlyn, Gloria, and Nanny! Notice Kara is holding on to my hair, she always does that to me for some reason, a security I assume.

Me, April, Caitlyn, and Gloria before a day of shopping!

Caitlyn and Kara in the bath together, aren't they so cute?

Me and the girls at Build a bear. They had a blast. Making their "pup-pups".

Us and our girls. Aren't their matching dresses so cute?

We had such a wonderful vacation to the states (Florida, Texas, and Oklahoma). I realized just how much I miss living there and all of the people. We did so many fun things and shopped so much that we had to ship 8 boxes home (well some of that was Christmas presents!) It was truly the best time I have had in a long time. We went to Chucky Cheese, Build a Bear Workshop, Toby Keith's Restaurant, to see Santa twice, the movies to watch Four Christmases, the graveyard to see Conner, Scrapbook stores, the Outlet Mall, the Thomas Kinkade Gallery, plus several restaurants and places to shop. It was GLORIOUS!! I am so thankful for my family and friends. They really made us feel welcome and showed us a wonderful time. If only every vacation could be that great. Right? I was so sad to be leaving to come back here. At first I felt my depression kicking in, but then I decided to enjoy being back here. We only have a little over a year left here and I still have things I want to do here. So I am embracing this time. Enjoying Kara being a baby. She is growing up so fast. Too fast if you ask me. I can't wish away the next year because I am homesick. I have to enjoy this time with her. Her birthday is coming up and I am so excited to celebrate that time. There was a time where I didn't think I would ever get to enjoy having a child to raise of my own. I had almost given up on the idea that I could have a healthy child. God gave me the greatest gift when I got Kara. I felt blessed to have Conner, but my heart ached to have a child that I could hold in my arms. I now try to enjoy these moments and cherish them as much as I can. Family and friends are precious. Let's never forget their importance in our lives. Be THANKFUL!! I know I sure am. :)

PS More pics coming soon. I have ones from my mom's house that are coming in the mail so I will scan them in soon. Plus tons of others!

God's greatest gift

Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful women out there. I went yesterday to Angie's blog (it's in my blogs I read) and found myself feeling so thankful for my daughter. If you haven't read her blog, you should (but bring some tissues). She lost her daughter a little over a month ago and has written all about her experience with the loss. I feel connected to her since I too have lost a child. Every time I go to her blog I am covered in tears, it touches my heart so much. I find her very uplifting in that she's still so close to God and still gives him thanks for everything. I didn't ever go away from God in my experience, but I do admit I had a time of being angry with him. So anyway, after reading some of her recent entries, I found myself feeling so thankful. As I read her blog, Kara was in my arms sleeping so peaceful. I looked down at her and felt overwhelmingly grateful to have her here with me. I do believe that my experience has made her more precious to me. Sometimes things happen that make you realize how lucky you are, and Angie's blog does that for me. I remember the feeling of emptiness as my stomach went back to size after Conner. I longed to feel his kicks again, or to just be able to hold him once more. Now my arms are full with a beautiful baby girl and I couldn't be happier. She is God's greatest gift and I will never allow myself to forget that. So to all of you mother's out there, cherish your babies, toddlers, elementary age, teenagers, and even adult children. God has blessed us all with the greatest gift he has to give. I pray tonight for the women out there that want a child. I believe if you want a child and have a means to support them with that you should be given one, however life isn't always that fair. I know several women that are wanting a child but are having a hard time getting one. I have been there and know how hard that can be. So for all those women, I am going to say a special prayer that you will be given the gift of a child. Be thankful for what you have and have a wonderful day.





PS Here's some pics of my family today. We went to brunch at the NCO club for Mother's Day. Afterwards Kara and I took a long nap on the couch. It doesn't get any better than that!! Maddy wrote me some sweet little poems. Here's one: The grass is green, the sky is blue, roses are violet, just as lovely as you. And another: You're as loving and kind as an angel. You're as pretty as a rose. Now isn't that sweet?

Look at her cute little barrette.

All of us together

I love this pic, but Kara was mad in it.

Maddy, Kara, and me on Mother's Day. How sweet?

Busy, busy, busy!

Dinner at Capital's Steak house off base. The whole gang!

My mom, Frank, Maddy and me at Ocean Expo Park.
My mom and Maddy near a cherry blossom tree.
Mom and Frank at the Botanical Gardens.

So I know it's been weeks since I have blogged and to be honest it has driven me a little nuts. I have had so much go on that I wanted to blog, but life has got in my way. Last week my computer went crazy. Turns out it had 7 viurses that caused my compter to be totally striped. So now I am having to start all over with my favorites and everything. On a happier note, my mom and step father came to visit for two weeks. It was a really nice time; I hated to see them go. We took them around to various places. Of course it rained almost every day they were here so it put a bit of a damper on a few of my plans. However we made the best of their time here. Above is a few pics of some of the places we went. I will have to post more later. It was so nice to have family visit. Being in a foreign place you realize the importance of family and having them around. It is very hard sometimes to be this far away and not being involved in your families life. Sometimes it feels like you are forgotten and out of the loop. I was so thankful for the time we all spent while they were here. I know they had an interesting few weeks that they will never forget. Frank (my step father) was amazed by the cars here. He loved the little vans and wanted to take on home. My mom thought the trees were funny too. There is so much here that I wanted to show them but it's hard to cram it all into two weeks, but I hope they enjoyed what they did see. They hope to visit again before we leave.

Christmas photo shoot

Everyone is in this one but our cat, Chloe and chipmunk, Leia. Maddy pointed out that Conner is in the picture too. Look on the tree in the middle of mine and Nick's heads his pic is in the superman ornament. How sweet?
If only Nick would smile.
This was my favorite one of us three together.
You can see my belly poking out in this one. My true love and me.
Here's my little Tinkerbell and me. She has a little red bow in her hair that Nick was so ready to get out of her hair. I thought it was precious.

Now this picture is just classic to me. A little girl all dressed up with her little dog. Melts my heart. Awww!!

Memories....

that was what I was thankful for yesterday on my son's second birthday. For without memories I wouldn't have much of him but some pictures, his footprints, and a lock of his hair. I remember his little kicks every night at midnight, his hiccups every morning at 10am, and the tickle of his little fingers. I remember it all and for that, I am thankful. Here's a poem I had written for him soon after he left this world:

April 19th(when I found out I was pregnant) what a joyous night;

you filled us with a glamorous light.

As our love continued to grow;

the kicks at midnight we came to know.

Hearing your heartbeat and then the bad news;

we swore no one would ever fill your shoes.

We said many prayers and kept our hopes high;

and started to believe it was all just a lie.

Over the months my belly began to swell;

we wondered boy or girl only time will tell.

At 34 weeks to the hospital we went;

waiting for you many hours we spent.

We felt so many emotions that day;

oh why, oh why couldn't our baby stay?

As we waited anxiously to hear you cry;

we realized we would have to say, "goodbye."

You were a little boy with an angel face;

with which we had a short embrace.

Your chubby cheeks, pouty lips, and head full of hair;

all we could do was hold you and stare.

Though the time was short that we spent together;

in our hearts you will linger forever.

Your mommy and daddy will always hold you dear;

little Conner, our superboy, we wish you were here.

I will always be thankful for the memories of him. They will live in my mind forever. I had written in my last post that one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen was my husband holding our son. I wanted to share that picture with you:

It's a hard week.

WARNING: This post is probably utterly depressing and has details that may not be advisable for someone not wanting to hear about the loss of a child. Please don't read this if you feel you can't handle reading material that includes my thoughts and feelings during and after my child's birth and death. Thank you.


This week is a horrible week for me, while for others it signifies a time to be thankful, I find myself feeling empty and unsatisfied. Why you may ask? Well as previously posted my grampie passed away right before Thanksgiving in 2004, and two years ago tomorrow I gave birth to and lost my son, Conner. While I am thankful for things and people in my life, I still have the sadness that comes with their absence. I can't believe that Conner would have been two years old tomorrow. I feel myself thinking he should be walking around here getting into everything, starting the terrible twos. How do you get over the fact that you have out lived your child? That your child never got the chance to experience life? I can tell you, you don't get over it. You learn to deal with it, to go on with your life because you know that they would want you to. You try to look forward to the things going on with your other children, but your family never seems whole again. There's always an empty spot at the table, an empty stocking, a picture frame that never gets renewed. But I do thank God for the pictures. That is what I am thankful for today for pictures. That is really all I have left of my baby and a small lock of his beautiful hair. It is comforting because if I ever feel I am losing what he looked like I can pull out his picture and remember. I do remember other things because I remind myself often, with fear of forgetting. How soft his cheek felt, his little wavy sideburns, and the kicks I felt when I was pregnant.

Two years ago today I was in labor, both scared and hopeful. I knew that with him being 6 weeks early his life expectancy was even less than it would have been had he been full term, but a part of me still hoped I would hear that cry. After I gave birth to him and they took him to another room, time stopped. I kept thinking, cry baby cry. But it was silent. I think I knew what had happened but for some reason I thought I can't do this, I can't lose it. I have a husband that's going to need me. I do remember crying but it wasn't like I had imagined myself before it happened. I thought I would get hysterical, go crazy. I instead was rather calm. They handed him to me after he was already gone. I just looked at him and thought he looked like Nick. I noticed Nick was watching me wanting to hold his son so I gave him to him. I laid there and watched them together and thought it was the most beautiful scene I had ever seen. A father with his son. I don't remember much after that, well I do somethings but out of respect for my husband I will leave them out. After we had our time we allowed all of our family members to come in one by one to see him. My aunt said I look like any other proud mother wanting to show off her baby. All I could think was how sorry I was to having to share the terrible news with everyone. I was worried about all of them. I didn't want to worry about myself. Worrying about myself was too scary, it meant it had all happened to me and I wasn't ready to accept that. A while after everyone came in we decided to go down stairs to my room. I knew if I didn't leave right then, then I would never be able to. Although now looking back, I regret leaving my baby with those strangers. I don't know what they did with him. For all I know they put him in a box. I can't thing on that too long. That night passed very slow, I didn't sleep at all. I laid there and watched Nick sleep for hours. I felt so responsible for every one's sadness. I mean I was the one who had carried him for 7 1/2 months, I felt responsible for what happened. I know it was just something that happened. Something I had no control over, but a part of me will always wonder what I could have done to make it better. I know in my heart that Conner is better off in heaven. He never had to deal with the evil in this world, but it doesn't mean I don't miss him. The selfish part of me wishes he was here. I know I will never get over that feeling. Leaving the hospital without my baby was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It didn't feel right. As sad as I feel and as horrible as it was I would do it all over again. Just to hold him and see his beautiful face was worth all the pain. Tomorrow we will be doing our regular tradition of making him a cake and sending him letters with balloons. I will try to remember to take pictures and post them. Sorry if I seem scattered right now, I just can't explain the feelings cursing through my body. Be thankful for your children they are each and everyone precious.

Grampie, I miss you!

My Grampie, was my mother's father. He was such a sweet and kind man. Although he and my Maw maw fought like cats and dogs, they loved each other very much. Every time I would be on the phone with her he would be yelling in he background, "I love you, little darlin!" He often told me that I should be Miss America, because I was the prettiest girl he had ever seen. He loved all the country music stars. He had a crush on Shania Twain and Faith Hill. He would say to my maw maw, "Look, Jean they are just as pretty as our Jodie!" He loved hunting dogs, sure he took them hunting every once in a while but he mostly just loved the dogs. All he ever wanted to talk about was dogs. My mom and aunts would joke about how he would pat us on our heads like we were dogs. I never knew someone with so much passion for something. He could literally sit for hours telling different stories about how one dog did this and the other did that. So every Christmas I would buy him a dog calendar and something else with a Beagle (they were his favorite) on it. The picture to the right was Christmas 1990 (yes I am holding a beagle stuffed animal). That year he bought all his granddaughters (me included) race car sets. He was so proud of them and we adored them because he had hand picked them himself. He had a tradition of making up boxes for each family at Christmas. He took those old tomato boxes and wrapped them in Christmas paper. Then he filled them with oranges, apples, old fashioned peppermint sticks (you know the melt in our mouth ones), pecans, and other assorted nuts. They were so nice. He loved fruitcake. I think it is horrible, but he loved it so I would always get it for him on his birthday (December 8th). He made the best cornbread ever. Every time I would go to visit them he would make it for me, because I loved it. It would almost melt in your mouth. I know part of his secret was to put a few tablespoons of Mayonnaise in it. I have so many memories of my grandfather. He as I said in my 100 things was the only person in my life to never hurt me in anyway. He thought I could do no wrong. I adored him in return. In the pic to the right he was walking me down the aisle at my wedding rehearsal. Look how proud he was. It warms my heart. Yesterday was 3 years since he passed away and it still breaks my heart. I will never forget him or the print he left on my heart. I miss and love you, grampie, until we meet again.

So yesterday I was thankful for my grandparents. They are and were very special to me.

Happy Birthday Maddy!

She turned 8 today, to our amazement. It seems like she should still be running around with a sippy cup in hand. She has grown so much and is funny as she can be. We went to the aquarium today, we kept her out of school as a birthday treat. We had a lot of fun. When we got back we ate at Chilli's, where this pic was taken. Today I am thankful for her and for this year we are getting to spend with her. It is quite the adventure.

Rest in Peace, Joey!!

As most of you know our family lost a special person. While I never met Joey, I know him through things I have been told about him. He was much like my husband by what I understand, therefore I know I would have loved him. I have been very sad for the loss of Joey. He had two young sons and a strong, wonderful wife. Tomorrow he will be laid to rest. I grieve for his wife, sons, and Aunt Ginger and Uncle Mike. The loss of a child is almost unbearable. I pray that God carries them through these hard times. As for how Karen must feel I have no idea. She has to now live her life as a single parent without the love of her life. It must be unimaginable for her, but I know God will bring her through it. "If God brings it to you, he will bring you through it!" But still as I sit here typing I weep for them. May God be with them now and always, because I know Joey certainly will be.

Silly pics around Okinawa.

Happy Birthday Sissy!

My beautitul Mother in

law had a birthday today. I hope it was wonderful. We wish we could be there to celebrate. We love and miss you! Nick, Jodie, and Maddy

My little panda......

So anyone that knows me, knows that my favorite animal is the Panda bear. It has been since I was a little girl. I love them. They are so darn cute. While Nick and I were dating I finally got to see one at the Atlanta zoo. He took me there on a mini vacation. I know how sweet, right? So anyway you can imagine how excited I was to learn that Maddy's school mascot is none other than a panda bear. I never knew that Pandas were mascots! So yesterday was her open house and we took pictures by all he panda things on the walls. She was so excited to show me her school, that she "knows all about!" It was too funny. Each student had to write their parents a note for coming to their class. When I read Maddy's I felt myself on the verge of tears. Hormones kicking in I guess. But her note was so sweet saying she was glad we were there and that Nick and I are her heart. It was really too sweet. I just knew other parents were going to see me crying like a loon. Oh well I don't know them so who cares? I was also the only parent taking pictures. Are these people crazy? Don't they want pictures of their kids from school? Well turns out I was the crazy one with a camera, but it was well worth it. Look at these pictures they are too sweet!

To the Bat Cave...

We went to Okinawa World yesterday to see the caves. Nick and Maddy loved it of course. The cave was huge. It took us a good 30 minutes of almost constant walking to get thorough it. We had so much fun looking at everything. Maddy was making a plan on where everything would be if we lived there. She already picked herself out a room and swimming pool. It was pretty funny. She put a lot of thought into it. She has a very creative mind. The cave was really neat, we even saw a bat flying around. Nick said he wants to have a room like that in our house. You know someone is a fan of Batman when he wants his own Bat Cave. But it would be pretty cool...

1st day of school

I can't believe she's already in second grade. Time goes by so fast. She was so excited to get to school. Nick and I were more nervous than she was. I hope she's having fun. We will see soon!! She gets out of school in 4 more hours. Geez my house is quite.

It's my man's birthday!!

My man turned 27 today. Yes he's a big boy now. LOL Happy birthday baby! I love you!

If only life were as easy as children see it.

So yesterday I had to run to the BX to get our cat, Chloe, some food because she was totally out. Let's keep in mind that yesterday was the 14th here so it's the day before payday. So anyway while walking through the BX, my stepdaughter, Maddy, starts picking out things that she would like for me to buy. So I tell her no we need to wait until payday. She keeps picking things up and I keep telling her we don't' have the money. So she looks at me as if I am the dumbest person around and says, "You know all you have to do is go to the ATM and it will give you money." I laughed because 1) we only had 13 dollars in the account and 2) because she really thought that your payday was anytime you went the ATM. How funny? If only life were that simple I thought to myself. I then had to explain to her that we only get paid twice a month and sometimes we run out of money by the time the next payday rolls around. But wouldn't it be nice if ATMs gave you money whenever you asked? If only...

The face that makes me smile and weep at the same time.

When I posted below I titled it "The faces that make me smile" and as soon as I was done I realized someone was missing from those pictures. He is pictured to the left, my son, Conner. He only lived for three short breaths and was taken to heaven. Sometimes when I see pictures of the family I get upset realizing that he should have been there too. I know he is better off not having to deal with pain or worry, but the selfish part of me wants him here. I wish he could have experienced the good things in life like family, love, and laughter. I will never feel whole again after losing him. There will always be a part of me wishing he was here and wondering what he would have been like. I don't think our family will ever feel "whole" to me. When I think of having another child, at first I get excited and then I remember him. I know he would want me to move on and I have but... Well sometimes it's hard. When I picture having another baby I picture him, maybe that's why I haven't been able to have another one. Maybe I need to be okay with having another baby before God gives me that gift. I know I sound rather depressing today. I don't mean to, it's just one of those days. I'm just missing my little boy. Love your children and grandchildren with all you have, they are SO precious. You never know what the future holds.

The faces that make me smile...

These are from the little island we found near the beach we go to. The rocks are really cool. I had to get some pictures of these two. They are so sweet together. :)

Maddy meets the Pacific

Maddy had a blast at the beach. We took her on Sunday after we got here on Saturday. It was her first outing on the island. I thought she might be kind of scared to go in the water, but I was surprised when she put her snorkel on and was ready to go. She's like a little fish if you don't watch her she'll go to the deep water. She and her daddy swam out to the island (pictured above), while I sunbathed. She really loved that. She seems to have an obsession with rocks, she would have taken the whole beach had we let her. We kept having her but the rocks back in the water. Nick was scared she was going to toss one on someone under the water and knock them out. It was funny. We plan on going back this weekend. It's free entertainment for all of us and we love it. Maybe next time we will try a new beach!!

I miss the kids the most!!

Being in another country of course I miss all my family and friends. But to tell the truth it's the kids that I miss the most. I think it's because they change so much, so quickly and I feel I am missing out. I hate missing out on their lives. Luckily we got to bring Maddy back with us this time. I feel very fortunate to have her here. I really do love little children. They always make me smile. I hope they will remember me the next time I come to visit. Jo Jo miss you all Kellan, Caitlyn, Haylee, Austin, and Madison.