Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Honesty

This post is going to be purely from my thoughts, honest as can be. You see I am not one for telling or writing all my thoughts down (besides in high school when I kept a journal). No, it's not that I lie, I just don't tell all my thoughts for fear of rejection or upsetting someone else. When I am bothered or upset about something I always either a) don't tell the person they have upset me, just act distant b) do tell the person but don't let them know just how upset I am, or c)try to work it out with myself so that I can avoid confrontation all together. This is one thing about myself that I have always disliked, however I don't think I will ever be able to change. This is one of those times when I don't feel there's anyone I can talk to about it that will understand me on every level. So instead of calling up my mom or a friend and spouting off in their ear like I usually do, I am going to write a blog and hope that I get thorough it without deleting it before it's posted. So here it goes:

Have you ever had one of those days that just starts out bad and doesn't get better? Well that is today for me and it's only 12:15pm. I am hoping that the worst of the day is over. It all started with me waking up at 4:30am from a nightmare about my husband. The dream was about him being gone on a trip (like he is now) and him calling me to tell me that the enemy had captured him. It was a terrible dream, because I could tell he was in pain and I didn't think I would ever see or hear from him again. I was begging and pleading with his kidnappers to let him go because we are having a baby soon. The only thing I can figure is that it was their way of torturing him, to let him hear me and know his life was over. After I woke up I thought I would call him to make sure he's okay, but I realized that he would already be at work so I tried to go back to sleep. When I finally fell back asleep, the dream continued. I was with my MIL, Sissy, and we got a report saying that at least 63% of his bones were broken. It was horrible. Now if I didn't ever have to worry about this happening it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but being that he's in the military, that fear is always there.

I woke up a little late this morning but it was okay. I did my morning ritual of eating breakfast and then checked my email. Nothing too exciting. I got Maddy off to school, took a shower, and began getting ready for my stress test. All was good. I went to check some messages on my Vonage phone when Nick beeped in. I was thankful to see the number because I didn't hear from him yesterday. He goes on to tell me that their plane is broken (no big surprise there)so he's done for the night but needs to get to bed soon. Turns out they aren't going to end up in Florida after all, which really stinks because he has both a box and suitcase of Maddy's that he was going to give to her mother. Since he's flying back commercially, this could pose a problem. Since they are going to Georgia, they have decided to take a rental car down to Florida to deliver her things. So that news wasn't so bad, except that I worry it will make his trip longer. He says he will still be home by the 7th, but I am not holding my breath on that one. I've learned that when he says he's going to be home not to count on it until he has a ticket in hand or is calling from the airport to be picked up. It's just a fact in my world. We talked for a few more minutes about this and that when he said he needed to go, plus it was almost time to leave for my appointment. I gave him a message to call his boss, and we said goodbye. I will admit that I was very sad to get off the phone with him. I feel like I haven't seen him much (which is true for this past month) and it makes me feel very lonely. I even felt myself tear up when we hung up. I told myself to get over it and move on, I had things to do. Which leads me to another thought, I have been so very emotional the past month. I have done so good in this pregnancy not being emotional and crying at the drop of a hat. However in the last month that has changed. I find myself tearing up over anything that I find sentimental or upsetting. I think a lot of it has to do with my fears. I have so many right now. I know I shouldn't be fearing so much but it's hard with the past I have had. This pregnancy has been very hard for me, yes it has been wonderful and full of great things, but at the same time I have had many hurdles to get over. First it was just hearing a heartbeat, next it was if there was enough fluid, are the baby's organs all functioning, is everything in the right place, the list goes on. It's funny I chose today to express all my worries being that this was the day in my last pregnancy that I gave birth to my sweet baby, Conner. I can't tell you how many emotions are running around in my head today and to top it off it got worse.....

So I was getting my things together to go to my appointment, when the phone rings. It was Nick telling me that he spoke with his boss and he will be heading to the desert from July 15th through Oct. 30th, I believe. At first I thought, "Wow that sucks!" As he spoke about how it would be a good thing, we would have more money, he could get in shape, I found my heart dropping. You see Nick has always enjoyed deployments for these reasons. Once he's over there he will tell me how much he dislikes it, but initially he's over the moon. I am always upset about it. Who wants to live alone for months at a time? That was supposed to be a perk of coming here, NO deployments. Part of the reason I was able to cope with coming here, away from all I knew, was that my husband would be by my side. I think we were told the longest TDY was 2 weeks. So for two years we have been lucky, but now not so much. This brought up so many issues for me that I have been a mess ever since. Luckily I waited until we were off the phone to let it out. I found myself thinking of so many reasons why it upset me. My first reason was because of Kara. I worry about being here with her by myself, I am new to the whole parent of a baby thing. It upsets me that he will miss so many of her firsts. I wonder if she will even know who he is when he returns. I had already been dealing with the fact that she won't see her family until she's either 9 months or over a year old. It makes me very sad that she won't really know them until she's at least 2 1/2 years old. I do plan on showing her pictures and telling her who everyone is, but it's still not the same. I know that she will still be young enough for it not to be a big problem, but it still makes me sad. I was always close to my family. I feel pain for not only my daughter, but for our family that's going to miss out on so much of her life. To know that Nick will miss almost 3 months of it right here at the beginning breaks my heart. I know that this is the life we chose to have together. I knew that he had a job that called for him to be gone a lot before I married him, but I don't think I realized how hard it can be sometimes. I think I would be handling this a lot better if I was closer to home, but I'm not, I am half way across the world. Once I thought of that, it was like a snowball. I realized that Maddy will no longer be here, my friend Samantha will be leaving a few weeks after him and it made me feel so lonely. Thinking about Maddy leaving also got me all upset. Sure she has her moments when I feel overwhelmed with her, but thinking of not having her here, is very upsetting to me. I am used to having her here when he's gone now. Life will be much more quite and lonely that's for sure. Truth is I don't have many friends here. Sure I know about a dozen people but no one that I really hang out with much. I have Tangela, my neighbor, and Britteny, who's due in July, and some other people I could hang out with. But I don't know about all that; I am sure I will sometimes. A lot of time I do want to be alone, but I am also used to Nick being home within a few weeks of being gone. The thought of living here for over 2 1/2 months without him seems unbearable to me. I know some people would just use that time to go back to the states, but I can't do that. First of all, there's my pets that would cost $150 a week to board. Second, there's a rule of not being away from your house for more than a month or you lose it. There are also a lot of other issues that would come into play. Like how often do you stay with this person or that person. Kara won't be old enough for her passport to be done yet. Having a newborn without a set schedule and way of life. It sounds like more work than anything. I know that will be every one's solution for me, but I know that it's not what I will feel comfortable with. So I just have to come to terms with it and know that I will get through it. I know God has his reasons, so I am trying my best to see the good side of things. Keep in mind I said TRYING. I realize it could be worse. A lot of military people are gone for 6 month to a year. So I am thankful it's not going to be that long, but no matter what it's always a scary thing. I won't even go into the things that freak me out about him being over there. Part of me is always a little angry with him when he shows excitement about a deployment. I realize he has to see the good in it or he would be miserable, but it's still hard. I tend to take it personal at times, I could never enjoy knowing I would be away from him that long. But to each their own.

So after the joy of this news, I head to my appointment, crying the entire drive. I did my best to straighten myself out before I saw the nurse. Although she still asked me if everything was okay. I lied and said, "Yes, I am just tired (I am famous for this line when I don't want to discuss something)." So I had to stay later at my test because baby Kara's heart wasn't accelerating like it was supposed to, which worried me a little. I also had 3 contractions while I was there. I had discussed with the nurse my worries over a pelvic pressure I have been having. She said that since the baby's head is so low that will probably keep getting worse. She also asked if I had my cervix checked yet. I told her that I haven't been checked and preferred not to be until after Nick gets back. I can imagine how freaked out I would be if I had already made it to a one or two. I would rather not know. So she agreed for me to wait. I am just hoping and praying this little one will hold out a little longer. She seems very excited to enter this world.

So being that I have been typing for over an hour now, I think I will try to take a nap. I don't want to think all these sad thoughts anymore. I feel tired and exhausted. I am going to keep telling myself, "When God closes a door, he opens a window." Thanks for listening.

3 comments:

Abbie said...

Jodie, I couldn't help but notice that on top of all your feelings you expressed guilt in having these feelings.
I honestly wish I could relate so I can help out, but the only thing I can relate to is the guilt part. Please don't do that to yourself. ALL of your feelings are legitimate feelings.
Please know that I'm keeping you in my prayers (this is not a cliche) and sending you a virtual hug from way across the ocean.
Try to take care of yourself and that baby.

Lots of Love.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jodie, it's Dawn Nicks cousin. If you need to talk or some advice, I was a single mom on active duty when I was in an intelligence unit. So I deployed a lot and was Airorne so I had to go fly on dangerous missions all the while leaving my daughter for weeks and months at a time. If you need to vent about anything you can email me.
dawnshrinarine@msn.com

Sandi McBride said...

Hi baby, check the latest post for all my comments...
love
Aunt Sandi