Wednesday, April 2, 2008

In a rut

***WARNING: This post is just full of gripes and whining, if you don't want to be bored to tears, then please refrain from reading it. Don't say I didn't warn you!!!

So I was hoping today would be a better day, but in some way I feel it may be worse. I just feel like crap today. It's raining outside, my sinuses are wacky, and I hate it. I was supposed to be getting my pregnancy pics done tomorrow on the beach, but it's supposed to rain, again. I have been trying to get these pictures done for a few months now. It is utterly annoying. I just feel so depressed, lonely, and bored. I have like a thousand emotions running around in my body that make me feel crazy. Maybe it some hormonal thing, or it's just that life isn't the best right now, I don't know. When I think about this baby, I feel scared and unprepared. Yes I love her and can't wait to meet her, but the thought of how she's going to change my life freaks me out. However at this point I hope it's for the better, because I don't like my life at the present moment. After yesterdays happenings, I feel even worse. I think if I feel lonely now, how am I going to feel for those 3 months? I am so bored of this island. It's the same old thing every single day. Nothing exciting EVER happens. I am scared I will get bored with the baby too. I feel guilty (like the WORST mother in the world) for even thinking that way, but I guess when you are down bad thoughts happen. If I could I would just sit here and cry all day long, it's really the ONLY thing I want to do.

Maddy has a half day at school today so she will be here in an hour. We are supposed to meet my friend, Tangela, for lunch. I am hoping that it will make me feel better, but inside I doubt it. Sure I will pull myself together and maybe even laugh a little, but when I get back home I will feel it all again. I will try not to let Maddy see me this way, I have succeeded so far. I talked to Nick a while ago for a total of 6 minutes. He obviously knew something was wrong, but being that he was in an office full of people I didn't even want to get into it. So I lied, "No nothings wrong, it's just the rain." No, I don't like lying to him, but I knew it wasn't a good time to unload all my thoughts. So a few minutes after our short conversation he called back, getting my hopes up that we could talk, to ask if I had picked up his flight suits from the alteration place. I told him I hadn't yet but that I would. He said something sounded different in my voice, only for me to deny it. As I said it's not like I could tell him all I was thinking about while he was in an office full of his work people. He had limited time anyway, so I told him I was fine and we said our goodbyes. Now I wish I would have told him to just come read my blog then he would know, but I figure he doesn't have time for that either. So anyway, I guess I felt even worse after talking to him. I can't help but feel a little anger toward him over the deployment thing. The reason being that I know he volunteered. He's always volunteering for trips like that, which in a way makes me proud. However, being that I am his wife it upsets me. Sure it's nice that he wants to go fight for our country, but there are other men here who don't have families that could go this time. Some of these guys have never even been over there, not once. So call it selfish of me, but I wish one of them could go instead of him. I realize all my whining on my blog isn't going to change the inevitable, so I apologize.

I didn't want to be spreading my problems all over the Internet, I just need to vent some. I feel so lonely at this point in my life. I guess when I pictured starting a family (which we of course already did, but I mean with a newborn) I figured it would by my husband and myself doing it all together. I never thought of how much he may be gone for all these moments. So the reality of my fantasy family plan going down the drain has me in ruins. But I will get through it one way or the other, fingers crossed.


Abbie said...

If it makes you feel better (probably not) I can tell you, I had my "baby" 12 years ago and I'm still not prepared. The only thing you can prepare for- for certain- is change and your ability to adapt to it.
For most women, instincts kick in right away with the new baby. Just do what works for you.
I cannot lie and say it's going to be easy doing it all by yourself. Trust me, I know.
But it certainly gets better.

Take care and please vent all you want, it's way much healthier than keeping it all inside.

Sandi McBride said...

Jodie, you know that Uncle Wallace was a career Navy man, and I can "get" where you're coming from. The ships he was on were deployed anywhere from 3 months to 9 months and once for 14 months...I was always the dutiful wife, and spent my time rearing the boys and kept busy...and that's the trick, keeping busy and learning new things, making friends...and believe me you'll never be bored with Kara...I think you're worrying about her, that things won't work out as you plan...but they will, tell yourself everyday that all is well...I love your comments about your live, just goes to show that living in a paradise doesn't make it heaven...You know that men are always thinking about their career, it doesn't mean you aren't on his mind, honey, he just has to split his world in so many pieces, just as you have to...child rearing is not easy...I'm thinking about you all the time...
Aunt Sandi

Eileen said...

Hi Jodi, I have been reading your blog for some time now...You are a lovely person!I am so exited for you and your family about your little girl.I am praying for you.Last night I was reading some of your older posts and I teared up in a few of them and prayed for you last night.I hope your feeling better soon...ELS

Sandi McBride said...

Just stopped in to say goodnight and give you a hug.
love you little girl
Aunt Sandi

JanaBanana said...

Goodness I know how you feel in many ways.. Feeling that lonely feeling is so tough.. When we had only the two, and they were a lot younger, my husband worked out of town for 9 months and I only seen him on the weekends. I felt like a single mom for sure. And then you living in a far away country like you do only adds to the problem NOT TO MENTION we are pregnant so our hormones are all in a jumble. Moving here where we live now I feel very isolated at times. Nothing to do, no one to hang with... I do have friends, but like you say they can only help us so much. Day in and day out it seems like a Deja Vu! Hang in the my friend. When Kara arrives she will keep you so busy you wont have time to scratch your butt. (HAHAHA) She will be a little miracle that you will be able to focus all your time and energy on. Hopefully the time that your hubs is away goes quickly. Do you have MSN messenger? We can chat some time if you want :)