In a rut

***WARNING: This post is just full of gripes and whining, if you don't want to be bored to tears, then please refrain from reading it. Don't say I didn't warn you!!!




So I was hoping today would be a better day, but in some way I feel it may be worse. I just feel like crap today. It's raining outside, my sinuses are wacky, and I hate it. I was supposed to be getting my pregnancy pics done tomorrow on the beach, but it's supposed to rain, again. I have been trying to get these pictures done for a few months now. It is utterly annoying. I just feel so depressed, lonely, and bored. I have like a thousand emotions running around in my body that make me feel crazy. Maybe it some hormonal thing, or it's just that life isn't the best right now, I don't know. When I think about this baby, I feel scared and unprepared. Yes I love her and can't wait to meet her, but the thought of how she's going to change my life freaks me out. However at this point I hope it's for the better, because I don't like my life at the present moment. After yesterdays happenings, I feel even worse. I think if I feel lonely now, how am I going to feel for those 3 months? I am so bored of this island. It's the same old thing every single day. Nothing exciting EVER happens. I am scared I will get bored with the baby too. I feel guilty (like the WORST mother in the world) for even thinking that way, but I guess when you are down bad thoughts happen. If I could I would just sit here and cry all day long, it's really the ONLY thing I want to do.

Maddy has a half day at school today so she will be here in an hour. We are supposed to meet my friend, Tangela, for lunch. I am hoping that it will make me feel better, but inside I doubt it. Sure I will pull myself together and maybe even laugh a little, but when I get back home I will feel it all again. I will try not to let Maddy see me this way, I have succeeded so far. I talked to Nick a while ago for a total of 6 minutes. He obviously knew something was wrong, but being that he was in an office full of people I didn't even want to get into it. So I lied, "No nothings wrong, it's just the rain." No, I don't like lying to him, but I knew it wasn't a good time to unload all my thoughts. So a few minutes after our short conversation he called back, getting my hopes up that we could talk, to ask if I had picked up his flight suits from the alteration place. I told him I hadn't yet but that I would. He said something sounded different in my voice, only for me to deny it. As I said it's not like I could tell him all I was thinking about while he was in an office full of his work people. He had limited time anyway, so I told him I was fine and we said our goodbyes. Now I wish I would have told him to just come read my blog then he would know, but I figure he doesn't have time for that either. So anyway, I guess I felt even worse after talking to him. I can't help but feel a little anger toward him over the deployment thing. The reason being that I know he volunteered. He's always volunteering for trips like that, which in a way makes me proud. However, being that I am his wife it upsets me. Sure it's nice that he wants to go fight for our country, but there are other men here who don't have families that could go this time. Some of these guys have never even been over there, not once. So call it selfish of me, but I wish one of them could go instead of him. I realize all my whining on my blog isn't going to change the inevitable, so I apologize.

I didn't want to be spreading my problems all over the Internet, I just need to vent some. I feel so lonely at this point in my life. I guess when I pictured starting a family (which we of course already did, but I mean with a newborn) I figured it would by my husband and myself doing it all together. I never thought of how much he may be gone for all these moments. So the reality of my fantasy family plan going down the drain has me in ruins. But I will get through it one way or the other, fingers crossed.