Thursday, August 9, 2007

The face that makes me smile and weep at the same time.

When I posted below I titled it "The faces that make me smile" and as soon as I was done I realized someone was missing from those pictures. He is pictured to the left, my son, Conner. He only lived for three short breaths and was taken to heaven. Sometimes when I see pictures of the family I get upset realizing that he should have been there too. I know he is better off not having to deal with pain or worry, but the selfish part of me wants him here. I wish he could have experienced the good things in life like family, love, and laughter. I will never feel whole again after losing him. There will always be a part of me wishing he was here and wondering what he would have been like. I don't think our family will ever feel "whole" to me. When I think of having another child, at first I get excited and then I remember him. I know he would want me to move on and I have but... Well sometimes it's hard. When I picture having another baby I picture him, maybe that's why I haven't been able to have another one. Maybe I need to be okay with having another baby before God gives me that gift. I know I sound rather depressing today. I don't mean to, it's just one of those days. I'm just missing my little boy. Love your children and grandchildren with all you have, they are SO precious. You never know what the future holds.

1 comment:

Kari said...

I had a "Conner" moment this morning. I can't remember what brought it on. I was sitting at the hairdresser's and it just hit me. I had to keep telling myself "he's got a perfect soul, he's got a perfect soul" over and over. Keeps me from falling all the way into the sadness of losing him.