Downer

I was excited about blogging tonight. I finally had some time and some thoughts to share. However after having a discussion with my husband, I am no longer in the mood (and may not be for a while). I mentioned that I was going to blog before bed when he said, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that.... you have several grammatical errors in your posts." He wanted to help me I guess, WHATEVER! I was hurt and angry. I mean really who wants to be called on their mistakes? I know I'm not perfect. I know I make mistakes. I don't always proof read my stuff. Usually I am so tired by the time I am done that the words are running together. I am a mother that usually has all of those duties on my own. He's gone a lot. I don't have a lot of free time to myself. When I do get the opportunity to blog, I enjoy it. I use it as a release, something to share with my readers (yeah all 5 of you). I am not doing it to win a Nobel Prize. So now I am down and no longer happy about blogging. What a pain in my ASS! Yeah I said it. Now what he should have said was, " I liked your new post, they were cool!" or something along those lines. I never said anything to him when he wrote me emails that had errors like using to instead of too or putting alot instead of putting a space in between them. I just was glad he wrote me. (Don't make me pull out the proof!!) Sometimes my husband really sticks his foot in it! Who wants criticism about something they enjoy doing? I don't. It's my blog, grammatical errors and all. Thank you honey really I love that you only see the error of my ways. UGH!

PS I DIdn't prOOf ReaD thIs one EitHer fOr yOUr enJOYmeNT!?@!$%&

Just call me MISERABLE

So I know it's not the nicest thing for me to do right now, complaining that is, but it seems I have nothing else to blog about these days. For the past 5 days I have been sitting around the house doing nothing. It's not that I don't have things to do (laundry, cleaning, organizing) but that these things along with almost everything I do causes me pain. You see I woke up last Thursday with contractions. It was about 4 in the morning so I took a bath knowing that sometimes that will soothe your body and calm them down. Well that didn't work, so I tried to just get some rest. I got back to sleep only to keep waking up with the slightly painful little buggers. When we woke up at around 8 I told Nick that it may be THE day(althought they weren't that painful so I had my doubts). So he went down stairs to clean up. We both got our showers and everything was working out wonderful. So at around 10 we went to the hospital. They hooked me up to the machines (baby's heart and contraction) and not too long into it I had my first contraction. I felt glad that I wasn't making it up in my head. Turns out I was having them every 4-6 minutes. So the nurse comes in to check my dilation and of course can't get to my cervix (she even tried pulling it down, good times) . This has always been a problem for me. I have a tilted uterus and I guess the rest of my insides around there are messed up as well. So she calls in another lady to "find" it. The lady does find it and I was only 1/2 a centimeter dilated. Not quite the news I was hoping for. However, I was 50% effaced and -1 (which means the head is very close to being in my pelvis). They told me that I will have to progress some more before it's actual labor (which I had already figured out). In order to be discharged I had to have the doctor come in. He said after looking at everything that he figured I would be back in this week. I was like, "You think I will have her this week?" He said he did think so, which would be good because my doctor would be back from his Disney (Tokyo Disney) trip by then. So here it is Monday morning and I am still feeling contractions and lower back pain. It's weird sometimes I will have them as close as every 5 minutes, but after a few they taper off. It could very well be that I am having them more than I realize because I wasn't feeling every one that the monitor had picked up on Thursday. But to be honest, I am tired and so ready for this baby to come. Some other FUN symptoms have popped up as well but I won't go into detail about that, let's just say it makes things even more painful and hard to walk with. I have a doctor appointment in the morning at 8:30 to get some kind of bacterial test done. I know he will want to check me with all that's been going on so I am going to ask if he will go ahead and strip my membranes then. What a good way to start your birthday right? All I know is that if it ends with me seeing her, turning 27 may not be so bad after all.

Oh happy day!

So just to let you all know I feel 100 times better today. I think I may be getting over that rut, a little. Nick will hopefully be getting a ticket tomorrow to head back this way. If it all works out he will be here Monday night, which makes me feel so much better. I spent a lot of time talking to friends today and it made me feel better. I want to thank you all for your uplifting comments and stories that you shared. They helped me so much. I won't say I am totally out of the red, but it's getting better.

I had to go to Labor and Delivery today with a nosebleed. I know sounds silly, but it lasted 40 minutes and wouldn't go away. I am on baby aspirin (which thins the blood)so I was a bit worried. After half an hour, I called the OB and they said to come in. On the way to the hospital, I started spitting up blood clots, pretty scary, but my nose had stopped bleeding. So I decided it was better safe than sorry and went on to Labor/Delivery anyway. I had to be hooked up to the machines for about 40 minutes. All was well with the baby and my bleeding had stopped so all I had to do was talk to the doc before I left. Turns out it was a midwife that thought she would treat me like I didn't know my butt from a hole in the ground. You know the type that likes to talk down to people as if they don't know that aspirin is a blood thinner or that pregnancy sometimes causes nosebleeds (already knew these things). She really made me mad when I told her that the nurse told me to come in if it didn't quit after another 10 minutes. Her reply, "Yes, I was standing right there and knew you would be here without a doubt!" She also went on to tell me that I fit right in with all the other mothers that had been coming in with colds the past few weeks. As if we all freak out about things for no reason. She told me that it will probably happen again so just wait it out because they wouldn't be able to do anything for me besides pack my nose and that wouldn't be very pleasant. DUH!! She obviously hasn't bled out of her nose for almost an hour after doing every thing possible to stop it. I have no patience for people like her. I hope and pray she's not there when I got in to Labor, or better yet if she is I will pass her right up for a "REAL" doctor.

In a rut

***WARNING: This post is just full of gripes and whining, if you don't want to be bored to tears, then please refrain from reading it. Don't say I didn't warn you!!!




So I was hoping today would be a better day, but in some way I feel it may be worse. I just feel like crap today. It's raining outside, my sinuses are wacky, and I hate it. I was supposed to be getting my pregnancy pics done tomorrow on the beach, but it's supposed to rain, again. I have been trying to get these pictures done for a few months now. It is utterly annoying. I just feel so depressed, lonely, and bored. I have like a thousand emotions running around in my body that make me feel crazy. Maybe it some hormonal thing, or it's just that life isn't the best right now, I don't know. When I think about this baby, I feel scared and unprepared. Yes I love her and can't wait to meet her, but the thought of how she's going to change my life freaks me out. However at this point I hope it's for the better, because I don't like my life at the present moment. After yesterdays happenings, I feel even worse. I think if I feel lonely now, how am I going to feel for those 3 months? I am so bored of this island. It's the same old thing every single day. Nothing exciting EVER happens. I am scared I will get bored with the baby too. I feel guilty (like the WORST mother in the world) for even thinking that way, but I guess when you are down bad thoughts happen. If I could I would just sit here and cry all day long, it's really the ONLY thing I want to do.

Maddy has a half day at school today so she will be here in an hour. We are supposed to meet my friend, Tangela, for lunch. I am hoping that it will make me feel better, but inside I doubt it. Sure I will pull myself together and maybe even laugh a little, but when I get back home I will feel it all again. I will try not to let Maddy see me this way, I have succeeded so far. I talked to Nick a while ago for a total of 6 minutes. He obviously knew something was wrong, but being that he was in an office full of people I didn't even want to get into it. So I lied, "No nothings wrong, it's just the rain." No, I don't like lying to him, but I knew it wasn't a good time to unload all my thoughts. So a few minutes after our short conversation he called back, getting my hopes up that we could talk, to ask if I had picked up his flight suits from the alteration place. I told him I hadn't yet but that I would. He said something sounded different in my voice, only for me to deny it. As I said it's not like I could tell him all I was thinking about while he was in an office full of his work people. He had limited time anyway, so I told him I was fine and we said our goodbyes. Now I wish I would have told him to just come read my blog then he would know, but I figure he doesn't have time for that either. So anyway, I guess I felt even worse after talking to him. I can't help but feel a little anger toward him over the deployment thing. The reason being that I know he volunteered. He's always volunteering for trips like that, which in a way makes me proud. However, being that I am his wife it upsets me. Sure it's nice that he wants to go fight for our country, but there are other men here who don't have families that could go this time. Some of these guys have never even been over there, not once. So call it selfish of me, but I wish one of them could go instead of him. I realize all my whining on my blog isn't going to change the inevitable, so I apologize.

I didn't want to be spreading my problems all over the Internet, I just need to vent some. I feel so lonely at this point in my life. I guess when I pictured starting a family (which we of course already did, but I mean with a newborn) I figured it would by my husband and myself doing it all together. I never thought of how much he may be gone for all these moments. So the reality of my fantasy family plan going down the drain has me in ruins. But I will get through it one way or the other, fingers crossed.

Honesty

This post is going to be purely from my thoughts, honest as can be. You see I am not one for telling or writing all my thoughts down (besides in high school when I kept a journal). No, it's not that I lie, I just don't tell all my thoughts for fear of rejection or upsetting someone else. When I am bothered or upset about something I always either a) don't tell the person they have upset me, just act distant b) do tell the person but don't let them know just how upset I am, or c)try to work it out with myself so that I can avoid confrontation all together. This is one thing about myself that I have always disliked, however I don't think I will ever be able to change. This is one of those times when I don't feel there's anyone I can talk to about it that will understand me on every level. So instead of calling up my mom or a friend and spouting off in their ear like I usually do, I am going to write a blog and hope that I get thorough it without deleting it before it's posted. So here it goes:

Have you ever had one of those days that just starts out bad and doesn't get better? Well that is today for me and it's only 12:15pm. I am hoping that the worst of the day is over. It all started with me waking up at 4:30am from a nightmare about my husband. The dream was about him being gone on a trip (like he is now) and him calling me to tell me that the enemy had captured him. It was a terrible dream, because I could tell he was in pain and I didn't think I would ever see or hear from him again. I was begging and pleading with his kidnappers to let him go because we are having a baby soon. The only thing I can figure is that it was their way of torturing him, to let him hear me and know his life was over. After I woke up I thought I would call him to make sure he's okay, but I realized that he would already be at work so I tried to go back to sleep. When I finally fell back asleep, the dream continued. I was with my MIL, Sissy, and we got a report saying that at least 63% of his bones were broken. It was horrible. Now if I didn't ever have to worry about this happening it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but being that he's in the military, that fear is always there.

I woke up a little late this morning but it was okay. I did my morning ritual of eating breakfast and then checked my email. Nothing too exciting. I got Maddy off to school, took a shower, and began getting ready for my stress test. All was good. I went to check some messages on my Vonage phone when Nick beeped in. I was thankful to see the number because I didn't hear from him yesterday. He goes on to tell me that their plane is broken (no big surprise there)so he's done for the night but needs to get to bed soon. Turns out they aren't going to end up in Florida after all, which really stinks because he has both a box and suitcase of Maddy's that he was going to give to her mother. Since he's flying back commercially, this could pose a problem. Since they are going to Georgia, they have decided to take a rental car down to Florida to deliver her things. So that news wasn't so bad, except that I worry it will make his trip longer. He says he will still be home by the 7th, but I am not holding my breath on that one. I've learned that when he says he's going to be home not to count on it until he has a ticket in hand or is calling from the airport to be picked up. It's just a fact in my world. We talked for a few more minutes about this and that when he said he needed to go, plus it was almost time to leave for my appointment. I gave him a message to call his boss, and we said goodbye. I will admit that I was very sad to get off the phone with him. I feel like I haven't seen him much (which is true for this past month) and it makes me feel very lonely. I even felt myself tear up when we hung up. I told myself to get over it and move on, I had things to do. Which leads me to another thought, I have been so very emotional the past month. I have done so good in this pregnancy not being emotional and crying at the drop of a hat. However in the last month that has changed. I find myself tearing up over anything that I find sentimental or upsetting. I think a lot of it has to do with my fears. I have so many right now. I know I shouldn't be fearing so much but it's hard with the past I have had. This pregnancy has been very hard for me, yes it has been wonderful and full of great things, but at the same time I have had many hurdles to get over. First it was just hearing a heartbeat, next it was if there was enough fluid, are the baby's organs all functioning, is everything in the right place, the list goes on. It's funny I chose today to express all my worries being that this was the day in my last pregnancy that I gave birth to my sweet baby, Conner. I can't tell you how many emotions are running around in my head today and to top it off it got worse.....

So I was getting my things together to go to my appointment, when the phone rings. It was Nick telling me that he spoke with his boss and he will be heading to the desert from July 15th through Oct. 30th, I believe. At first I thought, "Wow that sucks!" As he spoke about how it would be a good thing, we would have more money, he could get in shape, I found my heart dropping. You see Nick has always enjoyed deployments for these reasons. Once he's over there he will tell me how much he dislikes it, but initially he's over the moon. I am always upset about it. Who wants to live alone for months at a time? That was supposed to be a perk of coming here, NO deployments. Part of the reason I was able to cope with coming here, away from all I knew, was that my husband would be by my side. I think we were told the longest TDY was 2 weeks. So for two years we have been lucky, but now not so much. This brought up so many issues for me that I have been a mess ever since. Luckily I waited until we were off the phone to let it out. I found myself thinking of so many reasons why it upset me. My first reason was because of Kara. I worry about being here with her by myself, I am new to the whole parent of a baby thing. It upsets me that he will miss so many of her firsts. I wonder if she will even know who he is when he returns. I had already been dealing with the fact that she won't see her family until she's either 9 months or over a year old. It makes me very sad that she won't really know them until she's at least 2 1/2 years old. I do plan on showing her pictures and telling her who everyone is, but it's still not the same. I know that she will still be young enough for it not to be a big problem, but it still makes me sad. I was always close to my family. I feel pain for not only my daughter, but for our family that's going to miss out on so much of her life. To know that Nick will miss almost 3 months of it right here at the beginning breaks my heart. I know that this is the life we chose to have together. I knew that he had a job that called for him to be gone a lot before I married him, but I don't think I realized how hard it can be sometimes. I think I would be handling this a lot better if I was closer to home, but I'm not, I am half way across the world. Once I thought of that, it was like a snowball. I realized that Maddy will no longer be here, my friend Samantha will be leaving a few weeks after him and it made me feel so lonely. Thinking about Maddy leaving also got me all upset. Sure she has her moments when I feel overwhelmed with her, but thinking of not having her here, is very upsetting to me. I am used to having her here when he's gone now. Life will be much more quite and lonely that's for sure. Truth is I don't have many friends here. Sure I know about a dozen people but no one that I really hang out with much. I have Tangela, my neighbor, and Britteny, who's due in July, and some other people I could hang out with. But I don't know about all that; I am sure I will sometimes. A lot of time I do want to be alone, but I am also used to Nick being home within a few weeks of being gone. The thought of living here for over 2 1/2 months without him seems unbearable to me. I know some people would just use that time to go back to the states, but I can't do that. First of all, there's my pets that would cost $150 a week to board. Second, there's a rule of not being away from your house for more than a month or you lose it. There are also a lot of other issues that would come into play. Like how often do you stay with this person or that person. Kara won't be old enough for her passport to be done yet. Having a newborn without a set schedule and way of life. It sounds like more work than anything. I know that will be every one's solution for me, but I know that it's not what I will feel comfortable with. So I just have to come to terms with it and know that I will get through it. I know God has his reasons, so I am trying my best to see the good side of things. Keep in mind I said TRYING. I realize it could be worse. A lot of military people are gone for 6 month to a year. So I am thankful it's not going to be that long, but no matter what it's always a scary thing. I won't even go into the things that freak me out about him being over there. Part of me is always a little angry with him when he shows excitement about a deployment. I realize he has to see the good in it or he would be miserable, but it's still hard. I tend to take it personal at times, I could never enjoy knowing I would be away from him that long. But to each their own.

So after the joy of this news, I head to my appointment, crying the entire drive. I did my best to straighten myself out before I saw the nurse. Although she still asked me if everything was okay. I lied and said, "Yes, I am just tired (I am famous for this line when I don't want to discuss something)." So I had to stay later at my test because baby Kara's heart wasn't accelerating like it was supposed to, which worried me a little. I also had 3 contractions while I was there. I had discussed with the nurse my worries over a pelvic pressure I have been having. She said that since the baby's head is so low that will probably keep getting worse. She also asked if I had my cervix checked yet. I told her that I haven't been checked and preferred not to be until after Nick gets back. I can imagine how freaked out I would be if I had already made it to a one or two. I would rather not know. So she agreed for me to wait. I am just hoping and praying this little one will hold out a little longer. She seems very excited to enter this world.

So being that I have been typing for over an hour now, I think I will try to take a nap. I don't want to think all these sad thoughts anymore. I feel tired and exhausted. I am going to keep telling myself, "When God closes a door, he opens a window." Thanks for listening.

Picture day!

So it was time for spring pictures and I picked out a cute blue jean dress for Maddy to wear to school. I saw one of my neighbors girls pics from last years spring ones and the background was so pretty with flowers and greenery (and they sat on a log). However, when I asked Maddy what her background was she said it was the American Flag. I will admit that I was a bit disappointed. Not that I don't like the American Flag, because I totally do (what American doesn't?), but what if I had dressed her in a bright pink? It would have looked crazy. It irritated me that they gave no insight as to what her background would be. But I guess that's how it goes sometimes. I really hope the pics come out cute. I of course LOVE pictures!!! Here's some practice pics we took that morning. Notice her new short hair do, too cute!

You can never have a photo shoot with her without some crazy pics. LOL

Smiling pretty!

Printer issues

I tried to load my printer on my computer after it had crashed and it wouldn't work without the disc, which I apparently had thrown away. I was very angry trying to figure out what to do. I called my father in law, Randey, to get him to help me. He told me how to download it from the Internet. So I got it going and right before it was done it said it had failed. So I get my husband up here to help and turns out we have to buy the disc. That was a two weeks ago....

So a few days ago I get the disc in the mail. I was so excited. What is a scrapbooker without pictures??? I have been going nuts not being able to print pics out from my mom's visit. So I get everything set up and put the disc in. It goes almost all the way and says it failed again. I get my father in law's advice again, maybe it's my antivirus blocking it. So I try again with it turned off and still it doesn't work. I am at a loss for what to do. It is driving me bananas. I have my baby shower this weekend and won't be able to scrapbook the prints??? That is not cool. Sure I could put all my pics on a disc and go print them at the BX, but at 33cent a pic, I don't think so. So here I am mad and irritable because I can't scrapbook anything new. YUCK, YUCK, YUCK!!

My top ten reasons I dislike living in Okinawa

1. Of course my number one reason is being away from family and friends. There is nothing that is ever going to make up all the time we are losing with them and it really, really stinks!

2. Having to take that long flight everytime we want to go home, which is usually a day of travel. I am going to include how much it cost in this one too. The price of plane tickets is insane!!

3. Knowing that Kara isn't going to know her family until she's over 2 years old, it breaks my heart.

4. Sushi and the other weird foods they eat. It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't smell it on every corner. I have no idea how they manage to eat that stuff; it smells so horrid!

5. The weather is horrible. Your seasons here go as followes: Jan-May: cool tempuratures with rain, rain, and more rain, and lots of wind. May-Dec: Hot, hotter, and hottest with terrible humidity. Sometimes wind, which helps the heat a little. For someone who doesn't like being hot or rain, this really sucks!

6. Not knowing where in the world you are going because a) you can't read the signs and b) their signs are just as backwards as their driving is.

7. The Shopping is horrible, that is unless you like asian decor (I don't at all), which here isn't like the asian decor in the states. Here it looks cheaply made and minature everything. This should have been my #2 reason. I miss the malls, Walmart, Target, all of it.

8. You can't get the food you want. I want some Cracker Barrel, Olive Garden, Wendy's, Dominos, Taco Bueno (Nick would die for some of it), and so many other restaurants. Man now I am hungary. :(

9. Here's some gripes about living on base: we have no fence for my dogs to run in, so I have to walk them everytime they need to go out, you have to show your ID almost everywhere you go, and they keep all the movies at the BX at $19.95, this my friends is not a deal!!

10. Living over here, we have to get everything shipped in so we have spent probably over $1000 in shipping things from (for family and friend gifts) and to here. I am not exaggerating this one. YUCK!

Okay so I will stop, I know I sound incredibly mean with some of the things, but they get old. I could actually add a few more things to the list like the road tax and lack of clothes here, but I don't want to sound too bad, now do I???

Almost 7 months, whoo hoo!

Okay so I figured I could put up my new belly pic from the other day. Yeah I know my butts as big as my belly, but hey baby got back. LOL. I've been having printer issues so I can't scan in some pics from my newest 4D. I have a pic of me as a baby that looks just like one of the new pics. It's pretty weird. Watch she'll come out looking just like Nick. I really hope she gets his eyes, but if she gets mine that'll be okay too. So I went to my friend's little boy's birthday party last night and this girl says to me, "See how big you are, that's how big I was at 9 months!" I was like, "Okay!?!" I told her I was almost 7, what did she want me to say to that??? The funny part was the girl was bigger than I am now and her daughters 5 years old. I guess she's still working on losing that baby weight. I know it sounds mean, but you know it peeves me when people make dumb comments like that. What was the point really? I just don't get it. Anyway, things are going good, I go for another ultrsound tomorrow with my high risk doc. Unfortunatley I probably won't get to scan any pics she gives me. If I feel calm later I may try again, maybe. Yesterday I was ready to throw the whole thing out the window.

Dumb thing

Okay so I realize her video isn't working on here but after 4 tries that took me literally all night, I am spent. Sorry guys!! Maybe if I am up to it I will try again, but to be honest I doubt it.

Do you ever wonder... why me??

So another interesting appointment to the doc today. I saw my regular OB, Dr. Cummings(previously referred to as Bozo), for a normal appointment. It started out with talking about my ear problem. I have yet to blog the craziness I have dealt with about my ear. On Christmas day I got a terrible ear ache that was accompanied with a full feeling in my right ear. I thought maybe it would subside, but almost a month later I am still dealing with that full feeling. I have been to the doctor a few times concerning this problem and have been put on every medication possible, from Claritin to Antibiotics. The doctor I saw told me that I didn't have any fluid, scarring, or inflammation in my ear, that maybe I am suffering from a collapsing ear syndrome or maybe it's a symptom of this pregnancy. Now this woman was very nice and kind but I thought she may be a little out of the loop on how to diagnose anything dealing with my ear. (Which turns out I was right!!) So today Dr. Cumming looks in my ear and what do you know he finds fluid in it. So he told me to start taking my Sudafed more often and keep up with the antibiotics. I am also supposed to make an appointment with an ENT specialist just to make sure the problem isn't more than the fluid. So it was nice to finally get that settled.

However the fun didn't end there. He asked me if I had been experiencing any fluid loss, bleeding, or contractions. I said everything was fine but that I get braxton hicks everyday. He was very concerned that I am getting them that often and asked me to describe them to him. So I did and turns out he believes they are a bit more serious than braxton hicks, therefore he wanted to check my cervix. WHAT??? HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I knew that I had it done before but I was in labor then and was already in pain so I didn't pay much attention. He replied, "I will have to put my hand in your vagina. It's really not that bad." Oh really is that all doc, just what I wanted today. He kept telling me not to worry it's not that big of a deal. It seems doctors always say this to me until they actually get there hand in there per se. I had get in frog position with my feet put up next to each other and then put my fists under my bottom before he could even begin to get close to my cervix. Yes, he tried numerous times before I got to that position. Relax he kept telling me. Yeah you have someone stick their hand up your pee pee hole and try to relax dude. You are quite flexible he tells me. "Hey, I am not looking for compliments right now doc!!!" So finally he gets to it and it was closed, thank God. Apparently because I have a down turned uterus it has moved up and over my cervix therefore making it very difficult to get to. I already knew this because every doctor tells me things like this. "Wow I've never seen someone as hard to get to as you" or "Your cervix is unusually far back" are some of my favorites. Just what I always wanted a one of a kind cervix that amazes everyone. My goodness!!

So I also talked to him about getting monitored (the doc I saw about my ear said I would be going once a week starting my 27 week mark) and he said he's not planning on putting me through that. If I have any contractions that make me feel uneasy to come straight to the labor and delivery and they would check me out. If Kara tries to make her way out too early then they will put her on steroids (and me on Progesterone) to help her be okay at birth. So I feel happy that they have a plan to help her. However during our conversation he brought up Conner's birth. He wanted to know some details like when I delivered and if he was a stillborn or not. He was like he died in utero right? No, he didn't I told him. But it says he was stillborn. Yes I know what it says but then I told him about his three heartbeats. He looked at me and shook his head, then he wasn't stillborn. I told him he wasn't but for some reason they labeled him that way. He said he had to go by what the paperwork said. I guess I got that look in my eyes and he apologized for bringing it up. I told him it was okay, but that it was a sore subject because they were wrong. I wish that I could have that subject come up and it wouldn't still get me angry but it does. All I wanted was a birth certificate saying that Conner was on this earth and he did exist. I know a piece of paper doesn't matter to the people that count but it's frustrating that to the government he didn't. Another reason it angered me is because had he been issued one, the military would have given us money to help bury him. Instead we had to get our parents to pay for it, which bothers both Nick and me to this day. We didn't want them to have to pay for that, it was right near the holidays and a hard time for money. However we will be eternally grateful for their help. That's what parents do they help their children no matter what. I wish I could have done something to help Conner. Why couldn't he have been given all the options that I am getting for Kara now? I had asked them to give Conner steroids to help his lung development but they said it wouldn't help. Oh the anger I feel.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Okay so I am so ashamed that I took a quote from that dumb TV show (Family Guy) but I like it. So now that I am just a bit pissy. I will let you know what grinds my gears:

1. When you show people something you are proud of and they look at you like you are insane and go "Oh well that's a big tree, I've never seen anything like that before" Yes, folks I am talking about my fall tree. How dare someone show any hate for it.

2. People who don't use table manners. Come on, how hard is it to close your mouth when you chew? Don't talk with food in your mouth, people don't want to see that. Wipe your mouth. I could go on but those are my major peeves.

3. Know it alls or someone who always has a bigger and better story than yours. Oh my goodness, there's nothing worse than when you are talking about something that happened in your life and someone goes, "Oh yeah well the same thing happened to me but (mine was worse, I waited longer, my pain was worse, etc.) I can't stand it!!!

4. People who call you but either a) don't have anything to talk about or b) they tell you the same stories over and over again.

5. When you are waiting in a long line and another opens up and the people behind you run over there and get in it first. So then you are still stuck in the same line with the same wait time. AHHHH!

6. When the person in front of you fails to use their turn signal. Hello people I am not a mind reader. Use your bleeping signal, that's what it's for.

7. People that you know are going to talk about you as soon as you leave the room. There is no worse feeling than leaving somewhere thinking, "What are they saying about me ?"

8. Children who back talk their parents and the parents just laugh about it or say in a really giddy voice, "Now don't say that to me dear." You have a hand you need to use it on their little butts.

9. When you see something in the store and think oh I will get it next time. Then when next time comes it is no longer there or is not available in the size or color you wanted.

10. People giving advice on things they have no business talking about. For instance, I had someone tell me one time that since I was having trouble having a baby that maybe God didn't want me to have children of my own. While she sat there with two of her own that are nice and healthy. It hurt my feelings so bad. People please think before you speak.

Okay so I will stop at ten because I need to calm myself after getting all worked up thinking about people that have angered or hurt me in the past. And yes it all started with the hate for my fall tree. But can you blame me? I think it's lovely, sure it need some more decorations, but geez I thought I did a good job so far. So sorry if I went a little off the deep end, but hey I am just a bit hormonal at the moment. So if you see me ranting and raving on here please know my intentions are good. I just have some built up rage that my pregnancy is bring out. Lord help my husband. ha. So now that I have let off some steam, tell me what really grinds your gears? ( Sissy this would be a fun post for you, trust me!)