Life changes

I haven't blogged in forever. I actually considered giving it up. I don't have a lot of time to be on the computer with Kara running around and with the new baby on the way. For those of you that don't know, it's a BOY!!! I am super thrilled, but a little scared about his arrival. His name will be Caden. I had an ultrasound yesterday that was perfect! It was a big relief. He is due April 19th.

Now with the bad news....I have been in a life rut lately and don't see myself getting out of it too soon. I don't really want to go into detail about my situation, but I will say that the things that have been going on lately have been life changing. I have had to dig within myself to find out what it is that makes me happy and what I want out of life. I am still not there yet. I don't know all the answers. I do know that my children are the highlight of my life. I will do anything and everything to keep them happy and let them know how much they are loved. I pray they never have to endure the kind of pain and heartache that I have in my life. I guess that is every parent's hope. I am so thankful for them.

I feel very alone in this world. More alone than I ever have and it's very scary. I do have a good support system of family and friends, but no one that truly understands me or my situation. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way that people aren't always going to be there for you. Sometimes you think someone is your friend or that someone will love you forever despite your flaws. Untrue. Life is all about chances. We aren't guaranteed anything. I just wish I had been a little more knowing rather than in the dark. I'll know better in the future, right? Or will I just fall back into my old mistakes? It's hard to know. I do know that you can't make someone feel for you. I thought back on my life and realized that anyone that I ever loved still holds a place in my heart. I still love each and every one of those people. So how does love fade for some? It never has for me. I've never left anyone out in the cold, at least I hope not. Some of my friendships went on the back burner, but I have tried to keep in contact with all the ones that I truly cared about. Sure some people fade out of our lives over time, but we don't ever forget them or stop feeling for them. So where to go from here? I am still trying to figure that out.

I have been looking into what I want for my future. I am very interested in becoming an ultrasound tech. I've been interested in it since I was pregnant with Conner. Ultrasounds have always intrigued me. I have found a school in the local area that is a one year program. I am really excited at the idea of it, but I am not sure I will have the money or time to attend. It's quite pricey and the classes are Monday thru Friday from 8am to 4pm. Kind of hard for a mother of two small children. I have also heard there is a two year program at a local community college. It may be more my speed since I will have to work, attend school, and be a mother. The thought of having to be away from my babies is almost unbearable for me, but I need to be able to provide for them. Therefore I may have to sacrifice some time with them. With the economy down and no guarantee of a paycheck, it is super scary to me. Not knowing what the future holds is frightening, but I am trying to stay optimistic. We are now back in the states and life has changed a lot since I was here last. Things are more expensive, that's something I noticed right away. My biggest decision as of now is to decide where to live. As of now we are staying with my mom, but plan on finding a place of our own before Caden is born. I only have 13 weeks until I am due...time is running out. I am hoping that I will be enlightened in some way and will get some answers. Who knew deciding on a place to live could be so hard? I hope that all of you out there are having a great New Year. I pray that 2010 brings clarity, love, and happiness to us all.

It's here, it's here!!

A few days ago when I checked the mail, I was surprised to see my absentee ballot had arrived. I had just sent out the paperwork to get it two weeks ago. I was surprised that they would mail it out so soon, but I guess they want to make sure that you have enough time to send it back before they begin counting the votes. I was so excited about it. This will only be the third time that I have voted, but I believe this may be the most important one I have done so far. Things are so crazy with this presidential race and to be honest it has me all rilled up!

I talked to an old friend today on the phone that I haven't talked to in over a year. It was so nice to catch up with her. She asked me plain and simple, "Who are you voting for?" So I told her McCain/Palin. She was very excited to hear my choice because she too is voting for them. Usually I try to stay away from talking politics with ANYONE because I am not one that likes to argue. However this year I have so many opinions on the subject and could care less whom I may offend with my thoughts. Sorry if you don't agree with my feelings on the subject. I am really going outside of my comfort zone by posting this but I need to get it out. Anyway, my friend and I began discussing the presidential race and luckily we're on the same page. I was going on about how important it is to vote, when she admitted to me that this will be the first time she's ever voted (she's a few years older than me). I think she was kind of afraid I was going to question her on it, because she told me that she never really cared about it before. While I believe everyone should vote, I will admit that I think it's dumb for people to vote without being educated on who they are voting for. So I told her that I thought she was smart for not voting before since she had no idea what the candidates stood for. It really pisses me off when people vote for someone they don't know anything about. For instance, I know someone that's voting for Obama because they want to see an African American as president, not because of what he stands for, but on that reason alone. She wants history to be made. She also jokes that he's probably going to be assassinated a few days after being elected. But anyway, that's a whole different crazy post. Either way you vote we are making history. If you vote McCain then we will have our first female vice president. I know people are really excited about making history, but I just wish people would look at the facts before going to vote. Being a military wife I can't understand how anyone would vote Obama. The man won't even say the pledge of allegiance. He's got to be one of the most unpatriotic men in America. He refuses to wear anything with the flag on it. The thought of him coming into office scares the crap out of me. I fear he will get us all blown up before it's over with. You may not agree, but that's how I see it. As I said I am a military wife and therefore have to think about how this election is going to effect my family's life. (Not that I am saying the military is the only ones that matter, I would NEVER be like that). It's just that we live in a foreign country, not too far from North Korea might I add, because of being military. We can't have someone in office that thinks we can just pull out of this war without consequences. No, I am not all about the war. In truth, I hate it. I've had to send my husband over there more times than I ever imagined. But I do believe it needs to be settled somewhat before we pull out all of our troops. It is very important that we have someone in office that's willing to protect our country and what it stands for. I do not feel that Obama is that man. I have been researching on both McCain and Obama's official websites as to what they believe in and what their plan is for our country. I have heard a lot of people saying they want a change in America. Somehow they seem to believe Obama's change is going to be a good one. I am not that optimistic when it comes to him being our president. Something about him really freaks me out. Am I alone in this? What do you feel on the subject? I am not trying to tell anyone how to vote in November. I just want people to be informed before they make their decision. I don't believe you have to vote someone only in your party of choice. I don't believe you should vote someone based on their age, race, sex, or looks. However, I do believe you should vote for the candidate that's going to do their best to keep our country safe and make our economy better. Get educated people and then get out there and vote!!!!

Something I don't understand

It seems lately I've had two instances where I have had to think about the following subject and truth is I just don't get why people do what they do(myself included). What I am talking about is why Hollywood (and many other people)choose to make fun of the mentally handicap. They don't chose to be born that way, they can't do ANYTHING to change it so why use them as a target? It all started with the new movie that's out called Tropic Thunder. I had heard about the controversy on the television and just flipped the channel (not wanting to get involved in that mess, thinking I would never see the movie). Then I went to another blogger site and read some of the quotes from the movie. She was rather appalled being that she has a mentally handicap daughter. Who could really blame her for being offended? Her daughter is one of many helpless people that are being hurt by the quotes of the movie. Now I haven't seen the movie, therefore I don't know what exactly it's all about. However I do know someone close to me that saw it and said that it's supposed to be making fun of how Hollywood is, rather than the mentally handicap, and that it was a rather funny movie. My husband and I own quite a few movies like this, that have some inappropriate phrases in them. We of course laugh at them and don't think on how it may effect some people's lives. Some of the one liners from this particular movie however struck me the wrong way. For instance, "Once upon a time there was a R****d" and "you went full R****d, never go full R****d". Although the movie was made to show how silly some actors/actresses can be, I don't believe they should have used these lines. It is just plain disrespectful and aren't what made the movie funny. The person I know that watched it said without these phrases it would have been even funnier. So there you have it, Hollywood made a HUGE mistake. They've done before and sadly they will do it again. Truth is I grew up in the time where calling someone a R****d or saying they were acting R****ded was just an every day occurrence. I will admit that I too joined in on the fun. This is not some thing I am proud of, actually something I am deeply ashamed of. Society has made it to where it is acceptable to use that word as just an everyday word and it's just flat out embarrassing. I try my best not use the word because I had a mentally handicap brother( he died at 15 months, I was 3 years old at the time). My mother would get highly offended when people would say that word. I am surprised she didn't slap the fool out of me when she would hear me say it. Instead she explained to me that it wasn't something I should be saying, because by doing so I was belittling my brother. Talk about a hit in the gut. Who wants to realize that something you've been using in your everyday slander is against your dead brother? To be honest it was a struggle for a long time to remove it from my vocabulary (and occasionally I still slip up). Now you may think I am blaming it all on society, but I know that it was my mouth that used the word. Therefore I have to take responsibility for my own mishaps and be a better person than I was then. I feel by admitting my mistakes to all of you I am saying I am sorry to my brother and to all the other helpless people out there like him. None of you deserve to be belittled or taught so unkindly. Which brings me to the most appalling thing I have come across in a very long time. So the other night I went and rented George Lopez:Why you crying? I have been watching the George Lopez show for a few months ( and even bought seasons 1 & 2 on DVD) now on Nickelodeon at night and it's pretty funny. There's usually a good message at the end of every show kind of thing. So I was pretty excited to find a stand up act from him at the video store. It was going pretty good until he got to talking about how Latinos hide their family members if they are, how did he put it...."special needs." The only descent thing he had to say was that he respects white people for including their "special needs" relatives in the family. He started talking about a friend he had that had a "special needs" brother that they hid in the back room. He happened to walk into the room and saw him and yelled in horror. Then he started making gestures with his hands, feet, and face mocking what the brother looked like. As if that weren't' enough he made fun of the "special needs" people in wheelchairs that can go like 5 miles an hour. I was so APPALLED at this. Why? I mean really why would you do that? Again I am going to blame it on society. I lost every ounce of respect I have for that man. There was no denying it he was flat out making fun of the mentally handicap people of this world. They can't help they way they are and to make fun of the way they look and act was just heartbreaking. Really it was, especially realizing that I had done the same thing in my past. The funny thing about it was he couldn't keep up with the joke because not many people were laughing (good for them). So he changed the subject. It's not funny to do that. It's not funny to make fun of people for something they can't change. I hope that when he goes back and watches his DVD he will realize how wrong he was. I can't say that I will forever hate George Lopez for this. People make mistakes. We do terrible things that we can't take back. I recall in middle school a phrase all the kids used, "dur de dur de dur" while hitting their chest with a down turned hand. Where did we all learn that that was acceptable? Thinking back on it now I know how terrible it was of all of us. If only I could go back and time and undo all those things I did. I just pray that I didn't ever do it in the presence of someone that didn't deserve that kind of treatment and took it to heart. Tonight I am truly truly embarrassed not only for myself but for the generation I grew up with. We were all so very wrong.

Job offer???

So I go to the bank today to make a deposit and get a teller that was really nice. She first commented on how much Kara looks like me, which of course makes me smile. Who wouldn't want to be told their beautiful baby looks like them? We got to talking and she was surprised that I signed my check correctly (they were written to Jodie rather than my real name). I told her I was a teller for 3 1/2 years at a credit union. She got all excited asking me if I was interested in a job? I told her I wasn't because I would rather stay home with my baby. She was like well if you change your mind we have some openings and have a big turn around here. They would hire you on the spot! So I got to thinking about how much I really enjoyed being a teller (not enough to not stay with my baby, but overall I liked it a lot). Remember my previous post saying I wanted to be a teacher? Well, I think I do, but I am not so sure anymore. I think dealing with the kids would be fun, but I am not so sure how well I would deal with the parents. You know people get crazy over their kids, which I understand being a parent myself, but sometimes I think it might be really hard to do. So anyway, I was thinking about how much I liked being a teller. I had really great hours, holidays, nights, and weekends off, and I like dealing with money. I like counting money, rolling coin, and dealing with computers (for banking anyway). However, I feel so guilty that I am not using my degree. I mean it's pretty bad when you make more money as a teller than you would using your actual degree. That was the problem I kept running into years ago. It was like any job I found either paid crappy or you had to have experience to get hired. I have never understood that. How do you get experience with it if no one will hire you without experience?? It boggles my mind. So anyway, I feel bad for not using my degree, but I realize that it wasn't the best degree to get. At the time it sounded so wonderful. Health Education-you can use it in so many jobs(so I was told)!!! Notsomuch people! I wanted to work at the American Cancer Society (where I did my internship) but they only have 6 people (in each office) who actually get paid to work there, everyone else is a volunteer. Which is nice but you gotta get paid to be able to afford life, you know. I told myself my last year of college that I had messed up. I should have just got a business degree, they are so universal. I could have used that at so many jobs. Don't get me wrong, I loved the classes associated with my degree. If I could have a job with the Cancer Society that would be awesome, but they are hard to get. Therefore making my job possibilities limited. So here I am thinking that when I do return to work, I may want to be a teller again. I know that doesn't sound too ambitious. Tellers make decent pay, not great, but decent. I feel like I should do more with myself, but overall isn't whatever make you happy what really counts? I am still debating the whole teacher thing. Luckily I have a few more years before I have to decide. Right now being a mother is my job and I think that's the best job in the world. I wouldn't even refer to it as a job, but as a privilege. I can't of anything I would rather be doing right now. Especially when I look in to those big beautiful blue eyes. Thank you Nick for supporting my decision to be a stay at home mom. I appreciate it so much. I love you baby!