Her release

Losing a sibling at a young age is very hard. I know this because I lost my brother at 3 years old and I have watched Maddy deal with Conner's death. She has talked to me about it a lot, sometimes I think more than she does anyone else. I feel maybe she does that because she knows that I too lost a little brother. She has asked me so many questions that have just about tore my heart out. I always try to answer without getting upset, but she knows the pain, sometimes she cries too. Here are a few of the things she has said to me in the past: Do you think Conner has friends in heaven? I bet he does, he has his uncle Jeremy with him. Do you think Conner is watching us right now? Does he hear me when I talk? Can I talk to him? I miss my brother. My brother is superboy. The list is endless.

Everyone deals with death differently. Maddy uses drawing to help her. These are a few examples of things she has done in honor of her brother. Too, too sweet...

The first one she drew on Conner's 2nd birthday. We had just came home from letting his balloons go and I saw her writing in her notebook. This is what the picture says: Today was my brother Conner's birthday and he is turning two years old. It is also sad because he died on that very day. My step mom is laying on my dad and everyone was so happy and so sad.

This next one was just a random drawing she did of him in his superboy outfit. The top says Be handsome.

These last two are from her diary not too long after we lost Conner. I know it may be wrong of me to have ripped the pages out of it but I knew that she would lose the diary (Maddy is known for losing things) and would appreciate seeing the sweet letter she wrote about her brother down the line. It says: Dear Diary, I miss my brother. I wish he was here. Love, Maddy, Mom, and Dad. The picture is supposed to be him flying above her. Keep in mind she was 6 years old when she wrote and drew these two. It's just heartbreaking.

Here are some more pictures she drew. I wanted to add them because they are so cute! The first one is supposed to be me. She had me pegged scrapbooking and a purple dress! The Second one is a pic of her daddy. He is her hero. She signed the bottom: love, Maddy Madalynn the Goblin Queen. She was named after a comic book hero called the Goblin Queen, poor baby! And the last one is a chalk drawling of a ladybug she did this past year in school. It is very cute!

Monnie Monkey

This is Kara's newest editon to her monkey collection. Her granny and grandpa sent him last week. I went through a list of about 15 names before she would smile at me. So she picked his name: Monnie Monkey. She loves him so very much. All I have to do is say, "Where's Monnie Monkey?" and she gets happy. Thank you granny and grandpa for Monnie the monkey!!!

Anakin, you aren't the baby either!!!

He looks so darn cute and little, makes me want to hug him!

These animals are so silly. Chloe is always in Kara's bouncy seat and now I have found Anakin in the car seat. It was the funniest thing. The car seat was sitting by the door and he was just sitting in there like he belonged. He didn't want to get out of it. I didn't have the heart to kick him out of it.I have been feeling really bad lately about the animals. They are all used to having a lot more attention then they have been getting. Chloe misses Maddy and the dogs miss Nick. I almost constantly have one of them(or all three) at my feet wanting me to pet them or play with them. I feel guilty for not spending more time with them. I am usually spending most of my time with the baby or trying to clean house. I will be so glad when Nick gets back and life can get a little more normal and I will be able to have some help around here. It can be stressful at times with the baby and the animals all wanting my attention. Kara of course comes first. So for now my pets will have to get used to that. All three of them have been acting up since Nick left. Having accidents in the floor (even the cat, who is litter trained) and getting into things. I feel bad because I get so angry at them. I keep trying to tell myself they are upset and that's why, but it is so frustrating at times. Well, I will stop my complaining for now I have to get to bed. Have a great day!

This was the other night, they are never too far from me.

Still not sure of Missy Monkey....

The pictures say it all she's so funny when that monkey is in her sight. Maybe she will like her better when she's older. HOPEFULLY!!

An anniversary suprise!!!

As you can imagine the thought of spending my 5 year wedding anniversary had me sad and depressed. Luckily this far Nick and I have never been apart on our anniversary, until now. The 5th one at that. But being the sweet man he is, he still managed to make my day. I got this lovely bear in the mail yesterday(with the help of my mother in law). She's from Build a Bear and her name is BinkerTell Lavender. How funny is that? (As you probably know my favorite color is purple and Disney character is Tinkerbell. ) Then today I got these lovely flowers. They really are so beautiful and smell wonderful. My entire down stairs smells great. When the lady came to the door with the flowers I was in awe. I got them inside and tears were welling up until I saw this:

and then I burst into laughter. You gotta love the language barrier around here. It says Jodid instead of Jodie and Nichonlas instead of Nicholas. Too funny. I laughed for a good while about it. It all made for quite a good day. Happy Anniversary my love, I love you with all my heart<3!!!

Numbers

This weeks photo challenge was numbers!! At first I was stumped. What could I do that no one else was doing? I figured the phone would be a pretty popular choice, but decided on it anyway. Of course having a baby, I have toys all over so I realize it would be cool to use her phone with her eyes in the mirror. It didn't turn out quite as well as I intended, but I still think it's pretty cool! In the second picture, I kind of cheated but I have to tell you why. Today was my 5th wedding anniversary so I had to add something pertaining to that. I am also using it as part of my gift to my husband. I tried to guesstimate the number of smiles we've had, like 3 for each day of our marriage. It was pretty fun and cute! The last picture, turned out really cool. It is just a piece of plain old scrapbook paper, but it fit perfect with the numbers theme. So there you have it my post for this week. I can't wait to find out what next weeks challenge will be?!?!?!?!

Daddy's eyes

My new obsession!

For years I have been mesmerized by pictures just like this. I have always thought it was so cool. But even at Sears it cost like 5 extra dollars a picture so I've never had any like this. So finally, with the assistance of my friend Amy, I figured out how to do it on Photoshop. I have been playing with it all night. It is so much fun. Don't you just love it?

Our little Sooner

Kadena Erin

Just wanted to introduce you to Kara's bear Kadena Erin:

Her Granny and Grandpa Hayes made her at Build a Bear workshop. She got the name Kadena after our base (My FIL's idea) and Erin so she would have the same initials (My MIL's idea) as Kara Elizabeth. I love her little outfit a mix of mine and her granny's favorite colors!

Thank you Granny and Grandpa for this lovely addition to my nursery. Love you bunches- KARA XOXO

She's laughing

Here's a video I took a few minutes ago of Kara laughing. She only does it when I act like I am going to eat her tummy. I usually talk in my "cookie monster" voice, but I tried not to embarrass myself too much. She is just getting to be so much fun! I love making her laugh and squeal. It's the best thing EVER!

I did it!!

I lost ALL my baby weight in just 3 months. That was so awesome to find out this morning. It was the first time I had stepped on the scale in a week. Last week I still had 2 pounds to go. I am so excited about this. However, I still have a lot of toning up to do. I am well on my way to getting my body back the way I want it. I have been eating a lot healthier and only eating snacks with 100 calories or less. My favorite dessert is sugar free fudge pops. They are awesome and only 40 calories. You gotta try them. It helps when you have a chocolate craving. I have been eating smaller portions also which seems to be helping. Just wanted to share some of my joy. Have a great day!

For Grandpa Hayes

My father in law loves curious George. How funny is it that Kara now has the nickname "monkey". So we were strolling the BX today only to find a new rack of Curious George books. So I showed one of them to Kara and she got so excited. She was squealing and smiling (I wish she would have done it more in the video). Therefore I had to get the book. We came home and I made this video before reading her the book. She loved the book so much I may just have to go back and buy every title they have! So there you go Randey another grandchild that will adore you and Curious George. We seem to have a Curious Kara on our hands. LOL

Her first ponytail

How cute are these pictures? I was so excited to get her hair up in a ponytail. She didn't even try to pull it out!!! The first pics are from early this week. The last one is from yesterday. I just can't resist it, so cute!

Longing

Some days are harder than others when you have lost a child or anyone for that matter. Today was actually going rather well, but I got to thinking about my little boy and now it just feels hard. Hard to get motivated, hard to think of anything else, but him. My beautiful boy that never got to look in my eyes or I into his. I miss him.

Having Kara has made me miss him even more. I don't mean it in a bad way. It's just ever since I have had her to experience motherhood with, I have felt the loss even deeper. I now realize all the things I missed out on without him. I know how wonderful it feels to have your child all snuggled up with you. How sweet a smile can be, how much you don't want to do without them. Sure I felt sad about these things before, but I had no idea just how wonderful and rewarding these things can be. I had imagined what Conner's life would have been like when I still had him kicking inside me. I dreamt of his sweet smile, first day of school on through his wedding day. I still have images in my mind of what life would have been like for him. I make up his life in my head. Is that crazy? No it's not. It's therapy. It lets me know that he will live on. As long as I live he lives. I will never let his memory fade. He will always be my first born, my sweet boy, my angel. I long to be somewhere today and I want to share that place with you.

Here is where my sweet boy was buried. In the picture you can see a mail box. My mom made it so that we can leave letters. Maddy loves leaving letters for her brother. She brought the gazing ball to him also. As you can tell he has a special little spot that is all for him. I long to be there to feel close to him. I know he isn't there spiritually, but his body is. I feel a certain closeness to him when I go there. Unfortunately, I have only been a few times. This pic was taken last summer on my visit home. I went to visit and brought him the vase of flowers with the superman S on it. I made it myself. I won't get to visit there until December. I want to take Kara there and tell her about her brother. Sure she already has been told about him. I kept a bear from one of his floral arrangements and gave it to her. I told her it's her Conner bear. I hope she will always treasure it. I want her to grow up knowing about him. That way he can live on in her also. I took a picture of her with the bear a few weeks ago.

I can hardly believe that Conner would have been 2 1/2 years old. It is amazing to me. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, when I held him close. No matter how much time goes by I will always remember the special moments I had with him. I miss him so much that it literally hurts my heart, but I am thankful that I had him and would do it all over again, just for those moments.

SHE makes me smile:)

Look how big those feet look!
About to laugh
Pretty girl

My favorite
Sweet girl!
K is for Kara
She's a drooler
Give me the camera, Mommy!

Just a FEW of the pics I took today. She was such a good little model. Awww! More to come in my next post. Sorry if you get tired of my endless pictures. Her family is missing out on her life right now and want to see her. Have a great day and thanks for visiting!!

Blissful day

Today had to be one of the best days I have had in a while. It started with me getting to sleep in. Both Kara and the dogs were still asleep when I woke up at 8:45. It was so nice. Usually one of the two wakes me up and I feel so tired. I went and mailed out some boxes that I had been meaning to get out. Then we went to the Disney/character store off base, where I found Kara a Care Bear suitcase. It is too cute!

At about 4pm, I got a call about my dining room table I had for sale. The lady came to look at it and decided she wanted it. So we loaded it up in her van. Now I am $100 richer!! Whoo Hoo!!

Kara and I played tonight while listening to sweet music. Including this one, which made me cry:
http://http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=SzmgAM8rIgo

Then I read her a few stories and put her to bed at 9pm. She has got to where she will put herself to sleep. I just lay her in her bed and she plays until she's ready to go to sleep. It is so awesome. So after I put her to bed, I took a nice warm bath. I used some really great bath salts too that smell like lavender. It was so very relaxing. Now I am going to blog a bit and then hit the sack.



PS I wanted to share a sweet moment from last night's story time:

While I read Bambi to Kara, I noticed that my two dogs (missed a pic of Tink) and cat were listening in too. It was a very sweet rewarding moment for me. I truly felt like a Disney character myself reading to all the little animals. :) Kara's quilt had fallen on the floor and Chloe took full advantage, see her in the background? The next picture is a close up of her.

Here is Anakin all cozy under her little table that has the lamp on it. I know I promised pics of the nursery but I am not totally done with it yet. Whenever I do finish I will post some, I promise!