Longing

Some days are harder than others when you have lost a child or anyone for that matter. Today was actually going rather well, but I got to thinking about my little boy and now it just feels hard. Hard to get motivated, hard to think of anything else, but him. My beautiful boy that never got to look in my eyes or I into his. I miss him.

Having Kara has made me miss him even more. I don't mean it in a bad way. It's just ever since I have had her to experience motherhood with, I have felt the loss even deeper. I now realize all the things I missed out on without him. I know how wonderful it feels to have your child all snuggled up with you. How sweet a smile can be, how much you don't want to do without them. Sure I felt sad about these things before, but I had no idea just how wonderful and rewarding these things can be. I had imagined what Conner's life would have been like when I still had him kicking inside me. I dreamt of his sweet smile, first day of school on through his wedding day. I still have images in my mind of what life would have been like for him. I make up his life in my head. Is that crazy? No it's not. It's therapy. It lets me know that he will live on. As long as I live he lives. I will never let his memory fade. He will always be my first born, my sweet boy, my angel. I long to be somewhere today and I want to share that place with you.

Here is where my sweet boy was buried. In the picture you can see a mail box. My mom made it so that we can leave letters. Maddy loves leaving letters for her brother. She brought the gazing ball to him also. As you can tell he has a special little spot that is all for him. I long to be there to feel close to him. I know he isn't there spiritually, but his body is. I feel a certain closeness to him when I go there. Unfortunately, I have only been a few times. This pic was taken last summer on my visit home. I went to visit and brought him the vase of flowers with the superman S on it. I made it myself. I won't get to visit there until December. I want to take Kara there and tell her about her brother. Sure she already has been told about him. I kept a bear from one of his floral arrangements and gave it to her. I told her it's her Conner bear. I hope she will always treasure it. I want her to grow up knowing about him. That way he can live on in her also. I took a picture of her with the bear a few weeks ago.

I can hardly believe that Conner would have been 2 1/2 years old. It is amazing to me. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, when I held him close. No matter how much time goes by I will always remember the special moments I had with him. I miss him so much that it literally hurts my heart, but I am thankful that I had him and would do it all over again, just for those moments.